Is it bravery, cowardice, strength, weakness, or is it something else?
My lips and mind are held shut because I feel compelled to keep the peace, be the bigger man, make the right decision. Or maybe it is because I dislike conflict and and avoid it. Maybe it is because I am a coward.
I feel like I can see all the possible outcomes for my response or the lack there of to others actions. Have I become complacent because there is never an easy answer? Is it wrong that my pride has been all but shattered by my inability to confront these issues because I generally take the easy way out and try to please all parties even when I know this course is wrong in my heart.
Is it selfish of me to shelter friends and family from what I believe is right for the sake of their emotions and the greater peace? I know what will happen if I speak up.
Sometimes I pursue a course that is right in the wrong way because I am angry. Because I want to prove a point. But when things come to that conclusion, I already know that it will be of no avail to those concerned. They would not hear it before I said it and now they will not hear me after I have said it.
I struggle to recollect a time where I tried to step outside the peace to pursue what I felt was truly righteous because I loved someone. Not hollywood romance love. Genuine Love. Is it the fact that I care for these people the reason I dare not step on their toes to keep them from step on their own toes? Do feel I owe them something and I am afraid that upsetting the balance will result badly for me?
I feel so pretentious in saying this has all made me cynical. I have become passive aggressive because I feel like no one will give me an easy answer and they never take into consideration all the things I do. At the same time all this has made me very self-righteous and I find my self deeply ashamed and disappointed in my response to things. Even if it is only in my mind.
I truly have no idea what to do anymore.
I take solace in that we are a species of dead things, and were all gonna be woken up soon. So I shall try my best to be a few patient bones.
Jesus help me.
patientbones 